Zero Eight Zero Ruminations

So I am in Bangalore airport - the new Terminal 2. (I wanted to write 'swanky new teminal 2' - but i hate that the word is so overused). There are a few things which state that I am an inseparable part of the mainstream than going on a work trip and experiencing a bit of all-expenses-paid-biz-travel. I just checked in the 080 lounge in Terminal 2. It is comforting and soothing - the feeling of just being a part of a crowd - the upwardly mobile crowd currently enjoying the bounty of the breakfast spread in the airport lounge. This mocks all my pretensions of being an outsider - about living a life of a modern yogi. I guess if there is ever a time to take stock and check-in, this would be it.

In spite of this feeling of being a part of a crowd, strangely/surprisingly I feel mildly triumphant. I have been getting the few glimpses of results with my diet/weigh loss goals. I feel quite conscious of my body - including how I eat. I leant swimming!!! I have been running regularly and am hoping to complete my first full 41 km marathon later in October. Throughout all of this, I am feeling quite connected to the world and the people around me. I am feeling quietly confident and triumphant at times as my body eases through the hoops that I have set for it. There is an undercurrent of consciousness/mindfulness throughout it all. (The mindfulness part is the best yet boring part of this).

There is also the sense that there is always more in life. One can always eat a morsel of food more consciously, more thankfully. One can always learn a new thing. One can always set an even more awe-inspiring goal for this piece of flesh - the 40 years notwithstanding. A part of me tells me that these are all classic signs of mid life crisis. but I sense within myself no sign of those telltale feelings of angst or disengagement. In fact I feel quite happy about where I am placed right now. (Maybe too happy?)

I remind myself that this is a peak and a trough inevitably follows. That this too shall pass. But for now, I allow myself to savour this moment.

This moment of awareness

This moment of gratitude

This moment of comfort

This moment of connection

Last year around the same time, I had visited Mumbai and I had this feeling of being adrift. Not disconnection but the feeling of not being anchored - and I remember being haunted by this feeling. I am now going back to Mumbai. I come back to Mumbai feeling a lot more anchored and feeling a lot more at peace. Maybe there will come a point where I might start feeling chafed by this anchor and maybe somewhere in my mind, i might start yearning the feeling of being adrift again..

But not today.. I don't want to rush the crests and troughs of life. Right now, I remind myself to enjoy the breakfast. That Anna who is manning the dosa counter is a genius!

Current soundtrack: Meiko Kaji

Comments

Hotel California

I was dropping off S for one of her meetings. The conversation meandered into how some of our volunteer friends were talking about me leaving IYC. S was observing that we would have never got married if I was not a Isha teacher at that time. She also observed how my deciding to move to Blore was kind of thrust upon her. It was a fair observation yet painful for me to hear it. At some point, I felt the need to justify/explain/clarify that i am a seeker. Still a seeker. After I said it, I felt a moment of pause within me. Am I a seeker? I felt embarrassed that I have to claim me being a seeker in so many words. Am I really a seeker? What does being a seeker mean? Does it mean that I should be living in an ashram? Does it mean that I need to work 100% and more towards a larger-than-life goal? Does it mean that I am checking out of "Hotel California" ? i.e. I am done with the world and ready for something else? Does it mean to live a constant affirmation that I may not know every

The Atlas of My heart - Belonging

Last weekend, I drove 800 Kms for nothing. This is hard to explain to myself. It is harder still to write about it. It's been a week since September 23rd. That time of the year in the Isha Calendar when a kind of gathering happens around the Master. It is called Lap of the Master. I wanted to participate in it. At least I thought as much. So somewhat mechanically I made plans to reach in time and participate. However on the morning of the event, I found myself waking up in my ashram cottage and unable to find a reason to go to the event. I really don't know what was behind this sudden onset of Tamas . Almost as if to justify my unwillingness to get up, my mind is trying say that it is because of the crowd etc. But for whatever reason, I felt like not going to the event. I rather be curled up in my bed and read what I was reading. Over the next few hours, I felt a gnawing sense of disconnect and disconcert. This lead me to search for a word of what I was going through. I think t

"My Devi bleeds Mathemathics"

One of the reasons why I buy physical copies of certain books especially of Osho and Sadhguru is that I want the reading to be a multi-sensory experience. The words take my being to soaring heights but yet it is untouchable and ungraspable. So in an attempt to touch the untouchable, I thumb through those glorious words on the pages to feel that same experience that the Master talks about. I occasionally bury my head in the open book to smell that fleeting fragrance and the embrace of the Master. My current predicament is that I want to distance myself from the flesh-and-bones and the brick-and-mortar aspect of Isha and still experience the magic of Isha. And still be open to Grace. It is like just wanting to have a nice meal at a restaurant without wanting to go to the kitchen and seeing the chaos backstage. The reason for choosing to live outside IYC is the fact that I had irreconcilable differences within me. I thought one uses the word 'irreconcilable differences' to explain

Ananth's Blog

Search This Blog