Hotel California

I was dropping off S for one of her meetings. The conversation meandered into how some of our volunteer friends were talking about me leaving IYC. S was observing that we would have never got married if I was not a Isha teacher at that time. She also observed how my deciding to move to Blore was kind of thrust upon her. It was a fair observation yet painful for me to hear it. At some point, I felt the need to justify/explain/clarify that i am a seeker. Still a seeker.

After I said it, I felt a moment of pause within me. Am I a seeker? I felt embarrassed that I have to claim me being a seeker in so many words. Am I really a seeker? What does being a seeker mean? Does it mean that I should be living in an ashram? Does it mean that I need to work 100% and more towards a larger-than-life goal? Does it mean that I am checking out of "Hotel California"? i.e. I am done with the world and ready for something else? Does it mean to live a constant affirmation that I may not know everything but that there is A PLAN/there is path towards salvation/freedom.

Now I am none of those things. I don't want to live in IYC. I want to create some space/distance between myself and the place that I call 'my home'. I still love IYC. But I want to rekindle the magic of discovering a place like this. I got too familiar with the place. I want to experience IYC like the way 1000's of strangers experience the place every weekend. And the above applies to Sadhguru as well.

I don't want to work 110% towards a larger-than-life goal. Unfortunately I feel during my life-altering 4 years of full-time volunteering, I took the work very seriously. I want to work on ordinary things. I am still passionate about my craft and the impact of my work still determines a big aspect of who I am. Nevertheless I want to my work-life to rest lightly on my shoulders.

And jeez, I am not ready to check out of "Hotel California". I still have lust for this world. I like to enjoy the small stupid things of life. Like working in product management in BigTech. Am sure if Mukti is offered to on a platter, I will have a deep pause and may not gobble up without thinking the 'red pill' like I once thought I will.

I feel I am reneging of many of my beliefs and commitments that I made to myself and some people around me. But I feel this is the direction towards which life is pushing me. And if there is something that I learnt, it is that existence is bountiful. And sometimes it is wise to go the way life pushes you. And sometimes it is ok to be foolish.

When I left Seattle/Ireland to come to IYC, my mindspace was super-clear about why I did what I did. Especially when I left Dublin to move to IYC, it felt the most natural thing to do. Even though I was throwing away EU citizenship and a lot of money. What I am doing right now still feels the natural thing to do. But I feel there is unsettled business here. That my ratiocination around this move is roughhewn. It is not the usual airtight conviction that accompanies most of my big decisions.

I remind myself to trust in existence. I remind myself to apply the tools that have been given to me. Especially in times of doubt like this, it is easy to do this!

I remind myself that I should use this period of uncertainty to live more deliberately. To never take anything for granted. I may not work for Visa next month. I may not enjoy garden outside my house in cool Blore mornings forever.

I remind myself that I am a seeker.