One of the reasons why I buy physical copies of certain books especially of Osho and Sadhguru is that I want the reading to be a multi-sensory experience. The words take my being to soaring heights but yet it is untouchable and ungraspable. So in an attempt to touch the untouchable, I thumb through those glorious words on the pages to feel that same experience that the Master talks about. I occasionally bury my head in the open book to smell that fleeting fragrance and the embrace of the Master.
My current predicament is that I want to distance myself from the flesh-and-bones and the brick-and-mortar aspect of Isha and still experience the magic of Isha. And still be open to Grace. It is like just wanting to have a nice meal at a restaurant without wanting to go to the kitchen and seeing the chaos backstage. The reason for choosing to live outside IYC is the fact that I had irreconcilable differences within me. I thought one uses the word 'irreconcilable differences' to explain a divorce without getting into the dirty details. I never thought I would use this word in my own interior context. And I think I will get away without explaining the dirty details.
While acknowledging this, I want to keep my space open to the magic of the existence. It is my own mind which occasionally reminds me of my puny existence when juxtaposed with the wider existence. Even during work, many times I don't even know where those occasional flashes of insight/ideas come. There were many instances in my life where I saw things simply happen around me. Where it felt stunningly clear that wider existence is pulling the strings and gently nudging us towards a certain milestone. I usually cannot attribute this to any planning or any individual genius. For example:
- How come we magically got a person who had the perfect niche set of skills that we needed to pull off an impossible project? (Inner Engineering Completion online)
- How did I mentally assign person X for this new project which may or may not happen? And how come I knew it will work out? (Sadhguru mobile app/Sadhguru exclusive project)
- What madness drove me to trust two young engineers in scrapping a working version of a project and decide to restart the project from scratch? (Santosha project).
It is almost like a genie in the bottle. You can claim the bottle is yours. But magic of the genie is truly beyond one's self.
However just like those lofty words on the printed paper, this intellectual understanding does not permeate every fiber of my body and being. I want to live this realisation. I want to look at every tiny detail with awe, with fresh eyes. I want to look at every human face with a compassion and the understanding that the existence has afforded this one too. Now that I am out of IYC, sometimes I am wary that I should not take one step that will take me away from Grace.
One of the most solacing tools that are offered as a part of Inner Engineering/Isha yoga is the redeeming quality of acknowledging and accepting where one truly is. This is fortunately or unfortunately who I am. Driven disproportionately by my head. I am still proud of the many tricks that my mind can pull off. But I know deep within myself, that there is a higher intelligence. I just feel it is natural to be in the lap of this higher intelligence. To be available to this Grace. I also think one looks ridiculous if he/she is not aware of this and think everything comes from his/her own puny brain. I mean, mathematically it is nonsense.
Postscript:
The tile is a reference to a Ramanujan's quote. I am thoroughly fascinated by how Ramanujan discovered mathematics which continues to provide framework for physical phenomena that we discover today.
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