The Rage against Stasis

It feels like that time again. A time where I just want to press the 'nuke' button of my life. A time where the structures that I have built for myself is too strong for itself. It also seems like a moment has come when too many days have gone by where I feel bulldozed by the pushes and pulls of different emotions and considerations. Perhaps, the most compelling thing is that on too many mornings I feel crushed by the endless series of scheduled meetings of the day.

The trigger to honestly confront this came in the form of this video. Talking about mental wellness is always a taboo. And especially whilst living in a community where everybody cannot wait to 'share' with you how incredible they are doing. But for me, my own experience of life has been the internal compass that I have relied on more often than not. And I cannot wait for it to guide me now as well.

I have spent 4 years in the ashram and this is my second stint @IYC. (The first stint lasted 3 years). As I am confounded by a variety of emotions, I am surprised that the loudest voice within me seems to be the most flippant. I just seem to want some variety in life. My current schedule and work feels so uni-dimensional. I feel bereft of color and excitement.

Honestly there are two disappointments that I am trying to make peace with:One is that I promised myself that I will last for 6 years of living @IYC (The FTV gig). Now I am not sure any longer whether that will come to pass.
The second is that I have also been aware about the redemptive power of going through challenging (and sometimes painful life experiences). It feels like whatever I am about to do is like running away from one.

The second aspect is what scares me the most. I am ashamed to consider that I have become too soft. That maybe I am too oriented towards certain outcomes and certain predispositions (for myself). I am just not willing to go through certain circumstances willingly.

In spite of this, I remind myself to go easy on myself. Perhaps this angst that is coming out of this revaluation itself is that fabled redemptive pain..

Comments

Hotel California

I was dropping off S for one of her meetings. The conversation meandered into how some of our volunteer friends were talking about me leaving IYC. S was observing that we would have never got married if I was not a Isha teacher at that time. She also observed how my deciding to move to Blore was kind of thrust upon her. It was a fair observation yet painful for me to hear it. At some point, I felt the need to justify/explain/clarify that i am a seeker. Still a seeker. After I said it, I felt a moment of pause within me. Am I a seeker? I felt embarrassed that I have to claim me being a seeker in so many words. Am I really a seeker? What does being a seeker mean? Does it mean that I should be living in an ashram? Does it mean that I need to work 100% and more towards a larger-than-life goal? Does it mean that I am checking out of "Hotel California" ? i.e. I am done with the world and ready for something else? Does it mean to live a constant affirmation that I may not know every

The Atlas of My heart - Belonging

Last weekend, I drove 800 Kms for nothing. This is hard to explain to myself. It is harder still to write about it. It's been a week since September 23rd. That time of the year in the Isha Calendar when a kind of gathering happens around the Master. It is called Lap of the Master. I wanted to participate in it. At least I thought as much. So somewhat mechanically I made plans to reach in time and participate. However on the morning of the event, I found myself waking up in my ashram cottage and unable to find a reason to go to the event. I really don't know what was behind this sudden onset of Tamas . Almost as if to justify my unwillingness to get up, my mind is trying say that it is because of the crowd etc. But for whatever reason, I felt like not going to the event. I rather be curled up in my bed and read what I was reading. Over the next few hours, I felt a gnawing sense of disconnect and disconcert. This lead me to search for a word of what I was going through. I think t

Himalayan Memoirs: Anbe Sivam

Prelude: The following was written almost 5 months into my self-imposed exile. It was written while I was staying in an ashram in a small village called Ganeshpur somewhere in the upper reaches of Tehri Garhwal . I spent my time working in the kitchen as a self-appointed cook. ------------------------------------------------------------------ It was a rare moment. Rare indeed is a moment when you clearly realize that you have lost it. It was almost 5 months since I have been off the grid. The first 4 months were really good. I had fun. I had very little money and hence for the first time in my life, I am constantly thinking about money and rationing it. But I liked it as a novelty. Physically also, it was very difficult but I liked to push myself more and more. But most importantly, my sadhana was really good. I meditated like never before. But a variety of circumstances made me impatient and eventually pissed me off. I was no longer fine with just living not knowing wh

Ananth's Blog

Search This Blog