Hanami

Every day, priests minutely examine the Law
And endlessly chant complicated sutras.
Before doing that, though, they should learn
How to read the love letters sent by the wind
and rain, the snow and moon.

~ Ikkyu (Ikkyu and the Crazy Cloud Anthology, trans. by Sonya Arutzen)

I remember an incident.

Once I was chatting randomly with a bunch of volunteers and Isha bramacharies. This was a time when i was living in Isha yoga center. All the swamis were mentioning about their pet peeves (or their own weird limitations). One of the Maas mentioned that her biggest issue was using public toilets so much so that she was mortified to travel to North India mainly because she will be forced to use public toilets in the Indian trains.

I remember it because at that time I felt it was endearing that Maa was being so honest about herself. But I also felt that it was quite silly. She was a notorious Maa known to be very strict and punctilious about many things. And grown men used to be scared of this puny sized Maa.

I have now being living in my Bangalore house for over an year. And recently i came to realize something. That I loved living in this house. I have noticed a growing sense of gratification of just living in a spacious space. For me, it was one of those bigger indulgences - buying this extravagant house. One of the things that I love about it was the diversity of spaces within this one home. I can be sitting outside the house overlooking a small patch of green. Or I could be sitting outside a nice nook outside the master bedroom which is exposed to the elements yet protected from it at the same time. I also love the terrace. In the last one year or so, S and I have been living in it and it has been made to feel intimately ours after a long period of living elsewhere. I love the way S and I have added our own personal, cozy touches to it.

Today, I decided to skip my Saturday run and instead walk around the wooded streets close to my house. There is a this tiny BBMP managed park quite close to my house. It has been a big yet simple pleasure for me to just go there on a weekend to enjoy that park. It is nothing fancy. It is quite small. It is tiny even. The people who visit are the most pedestrian. But I love it. It feels like an evening shower after a long hot day.

While I was walking in this park today, I happen to notice that the caretaker's house was open. And I was able to see through that opening, a quick glimpse into the caretaker's private space. Somehow my eyes went to the bathroom and I saw a very modest Indian toilet. At that time, I realised that I die tonight, there is a strand of possibility that I could get born in that household. And just like that I will lose all my possessions including my house wholesale. And the whole struggle would start all over again. After coming home, I realize that this reality about the nature of death has not yet not seeped into my bones. Still I am considering it only mentally as a possibility. I want this reality to percolate to my bones. Not because it is morbid but because it is an objective truth.

I wonder how it will be to live soaked in that realisation. I hope it makes me savour my life more fully and more profoundly. Like how one savours a book borrowed from a lending library. Like how one enjoys a beautiful B&B in the last hours proceeding a checkout. Like how special it feels to live the last days before leaving a country for good.

I guess that's pretty much how one can look at life. A search for those rare moments of profundity.

As I reflect upon all of this, I feel gratitude for the existence. I catch myself thanking the existence for hosting me. It is the ultimate host - hosting everyone in its rough embrace. I also thank the existence for providing me with with the softer embrace of my house.

PS: I half-expected that this realisation of death will hit me like a thunder and a satori-like awakening would happen. Nothing of the sort happened. Rather I felt a dull thud of disappointment and insight. And I moved on. Maybe this is how sober middle-aged men experience life changing moments of insight.

PS2: The title "Hanami" refers to the yearly Japanese ritual of enjoying those fleeting cherry blossoms during first days of Spring.

All the sins committed 

In the Three worlds

Will fade and disappear

Together with myself

~ Ikkyu