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Hotel California


I was dropping off S for one of her meetings. The conversation meandered into how some of our volunteer friends were talking about me leaving IYC. S was observing that we would have never got married if I was not a Isha teacher at that time. She also observed how my deciding to move to Blore was kind of thrust upon her. It was a fair observation yet painful for me to hear it. At some point, I felt the need to justify/explain/clarify that i am a seeker. Still a seeker.

After I said it, I felt a moment of pause within me. Am I a seeker? I felt embarrassed that I have to claim me being a seeker in so many words. Am I really a seeker? What does being a seeker mean? Does it mean that I should be living in an ashram? Does it mean that I need to work 100% and more towards a larger-than-life goal? Does it mean that I am checking out of "Hotel California"? i.e. I am done with the world and ready for something else? Does it mean to live a constant affirmation that I may not know everything but that there is A PLAN/there is path towards salvation/freedom.

Now I am none of those things. I don't want to live in IYC. I want to create some space/distance between myself and the place that I call 'my home'. I still love IYC. But I want to rekindle the magic of discovering a place like this. I got too familiar with the place. I want to experience IYC like the way 1000's of strangers experience the place every weekend. And the above applies to Sadhguru as well.

I don't want to work 110% towards a larger-than-life goal. Unfortunately I feel during my life-altering 4 years of full-time volunteering, I took the work very seriously. I want to work on ordinary things. I am still passionate about my craft and the impact of my work still determines a big aspect of who I am. Nevertheless I want to my work-life to rest lightly on my shoulders.

And jeez, I am not ready to check out of "Hotel California". I still have lust for this world. I like to enjoy the small stupid things of life. Like working in product management in BigTech. Am sure if Mukti is offered to on a platter, I will have a deep pause and may not gobble up without thinking the 'red pill' like I once thought I will.

I feel I am reneging of many of my beliefs and commitments that I made to myself and some people around me. But I feel this is the direction towards which life is pushing me. And if there is something that I learnt, it is that existence is bountiful. And sometimes it is wise to go the way life pushes you. And sometimes it is ok to be foolish.

When I left Seattle/Ireland to come to IYC, my mindspace was super-clear about why I did what I did. Especially when I left Dublin to move to IYC, it felt the most natural thing to do. Even though I was throwing away EU citizenship and a lot of money. What I am doing right now still feels the natural thing to do. But I feel there is unsettled business here. That my ratiocination around this move is roughhewn. It is not the usual airtight conviction that accompanies most of my big decisions.

I remind myself to trust in existence. I remind myself to apply the tools that have been given to me. Especially in times of doubt like this, it is easy to do this!

I remind myself that I should use this period of uncertainty to live more deliberately. To never take anything for granted. I may not work for Visa next month. I may not enjoy garden outside my house in cool Blore mornings forever.


I remind myself that I am a seeker.

Comments

  1. PandurangaDecember 3, 2022 at 10:00 AM

    🙏😊

    ReplyDelete
  2. Shivani.......December 6, 2022 at 7:47 AM

    🙏🙏🙏✨✨✨ I relate in more ways that i can verbalize....love this post and the fact that you spoke it out raw as it is....yes you are a seeker 🙏

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BalaDecember 15, 2022 at 5:39 PM

      Should you really need an affirmation if you're or are not a seeker? Are you seeking the seeking or that what you don't know is there to seek?

      Just let go and let the seeking flow without having to bother about the path or progress. You are a seeker so long as you're unsettled yet content. You're a seeker when you cease to care what you are and yet have the quest within that'll not let you rest, unbeknownst to self or others. It's a lone journey but sure not lonesome so long as your seeking is within thee, un-leaving you even for a moment.

      Seeking is the company
      Seeking is the path
      Seeking is the destination
      Seeking is the destiny
      And yet it is not until you abandon trying to be a seeker, you would really seek

      Delete
  3. PrabhuDecember 7, 2022 at 1:14 PM

    Seeker to the core 🙏

    ReplyDelete

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