Skip to main content

The Rage against Stasis



It feels like that time again. A time where I just want to press the 'nuke' button of my life. A time where the structures that I have built for myself is too strong for itself. It also seems like a moment has come when too many days have gone by where I feel bulldozed by the pushes and pulls of different emotions and considerations. Perhaps, the most compelling thing is that on too many mornings I feel crushed by the endless series of scheduled meetings of the day.

The trigger to honestly confront this came in the form of this video. Talking about mental wellness is always a taboo. And especially whilst living in a community where everybody cannot wait to 'share' with you how incredible they are doing. But for me, my own experience of life has been the internal compass that I have relied on more often than not. And I cannot wait for it to guide me now as well.

I have spent 4 years in the ashram and this is my second stint @IYC. (The first stint lasted 3 years). As I am confounded by a variety of emotions, I am surprised that the loudest voice within me seems to be the most flippant. I just seem to want some variety in life. My current schedule and work feels so uni-dimensional. I feel bereft of color and excitement.

  • Honestly there are two disappointments that I am trying to make peace with:One is that I promised myself that I will last for 6 years of living @IYC (The FTV gig). Now I am not sure any longer whether that will come to pass.
  • The second is that I have also been aware about the redemptive power of going through challenging (and sometimes painful life experiences). It feels like whatever I am about to do is like running away from one.

The second aspect is what scares me the most. I am ashamed to consider that I have become too soft. That maybe I am too oriented towards certain outcomes and certain predispositions (for myself). I am just not willing to go through certain circumstances willingly.

In spite of this, I remind myself to go easy on myself. Perhaps this angst that is coming out of this revaluation itself is that fabled redemptive pain..

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Machine of Loving Grace

Yesterday was wonderful. It was Saturday. The house felt more quiet after a flurry of activities. I gave myself permission to explore my curiosity. It's a wonderful time to be curious, especially when we're witnessing what might be the biggest transformation of our lifetimes. Claude's character voice Out of all the AI tools available, I find myself gravitating more and more toward Claude for its distinctive voice and character. As a user of technology, there's a growing sense of presence—a semblance of a particular personality that has slowly become an essential part of my life. I've come to expect Claude to be there as a highly available, intelligent sidekick. I use Claude several times a day, mostly focused on specific tasks at hand. I'm trying to understand, in retrospect, what triggers within me the decision to turn to Claude. I feel I need to isolate and identify this muscle—this muscle of agency—because the future of work will largely depend on our abil...
1 comment
Read more

Revisiting America

I have been open about my obsession with America. I recently visited US after 7 years. Revisiting US was like discovering an old T-Shirt which was hiding at the bottom of your wardrobe for many years - feels alien initially but then it fits like a glove but then again, you sneer at your own juvenile fashion choices. I feel I resonate with US because it has some of the growing pains and dual identities that I have. It was interesting to see how some of my reactions to it have changed over the years. In a way, revisiting was an act of looking yourself into a time-machine mirror - feeling and juxtaposing your feelings with what you felt so many years ago. I went to the US for the first time in 2005 when i was a graduate hire for  Microsoft. Its been almost 20 years since i first set foot in the US. So a few things changed. America's juvenile antics amuse me less and less - I feel so sad/ridiculous that a country supposed so far ahead on so many things can get such basics twisted arou...
2 comments
Read more

Reflections on Sandekphu and Salesforce

So I just reached back to Bengaluru and I keep thinking perhaps this is a good moment to write something. Some kind of mental snapshot is warranted. I am hoping to join a new company - Salesforce after working in Visa for just 1.5 years. I just completed another trek - some 80 kms walk in the park. During the trek, I wrote down a bunch of mental sticking points and the advantage of having such a list is to see which one of them are perhaps temporary and which ones might stick around for sometime and haunt one. During the trek, I kept reminding myself that I should not fixate on the destination - that lofty peak or that supposedly pretty valley. The trek itself was the prize that I have earned. And the one that I wanted to celebrate. And celebrate is the right word for it. There is nothing that comes close to describing what it was. Just stretching the body and mind and asserting its capabilities. During those walks, I got reminded of Illayaraja's song "Pitchai Pathiram" ...
1 comment
Read more