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The Rage against Stasis



It feels like that time again. A time where I just want to press the 'nuke' button of my life. A time where the structures that I have built for myself is too strong for itself. It also seems like a moment has come when too many days have gone by where I feel bulldozed by the pushes and pulls of different emotions and considerations. Perhaps, the most compelling thing is that on too many mornings I feel crushed by the endless series of scheduled meetings of the day.

The trigger to honestly confront this came in the form of this video. Talking about mental wellness is always a taboo. And especially whilst living in a community where everybody cannot wait to 'share' with you how incredible they are doing. But for me, my own experience of life has been the internal compass that I have relied on more often than not. And I cannot wait for it to guide me now as well.

I have spent 4 years in the ashram and this is my second stint @IYC. (The first stint lasted 3 years). As I am confounded by a variety of emotions, I am surprised that the loudest voice within me seems to be the most flippant. I just seem to want some variety in life. My current schedule and work feels so uni-dimensional. I feel bereft of color and excitement.

  • Honestly there are two disappointments that I am trying to make peace with:One is that I promised myself that I will last for 6 years of living @IYC (The FTV gig). Now I am not sure any longer whether that will come to pass.
  • The second is that I have also been aware about the redemptive power of going through challenging (and sometimes painful life experiences). It feels like whatever I am about to do is like running away from one.

The second aspect is what scares me the most. I am ashamed to consider that I have become too soft. That maybe I am too oriented towards certain outcomes and certain predispositions (for myself). I am just not willing to go through certain circumstances willingly.

In spite of this, I remind myself to go easy on myself. Perhaps this angst that is coming out of this revaluation itself is that fabled redemptive pain..

 

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